ST PAUL, MN — On Friday, 32-year-old Larry Delang, a proud homosexual man, revealed his true self to his parents by coming out of the closet as a full-time stock market day trader.
“Hi mom and dad,” said a shaky-voiced Delang over a FaceTime video call. “I brought you both here today to tell you who I really am. Please don’t be mad. I want to tell you that…I trade.”
“What do you mean, sweetie,” asked Delang’s mother, Janet, adjusting her hands nervously. “What do you mean you ‘trade’?”
“Well, not only am I a big ol’ gay bear—which you accept and love about me — I’m also a bear on the stock market. I quit my job to day trade stocks for a living, from 9:30am to 4pm, and sometimes much, much later,” Delang admitted sheepishly. Janet began to sob uncontrollably into a Kleenex.
“Why would you choose to make your life more difficult than it already is, son?” Asked Pat Delang, Larry’s father. “Just get a normal job like everybody else! You’re an embarrassment to our family.”
“This isn’t a choice, Dad! A trader is who I am and if you can’t accept that, well, that’s on you,” said Delang. “I don’t need you guys anyways. I’m almost making money already!”
After hanging up the call, Larry received a text message from his dad. “This is just a phase Larebear. You’ll realize it soon. Also plz tell your bf me and mom said hello. We miss him.”