The horrific and other-worldly glowing orb atop the body of what Palantir (PLTR) says is their CEO transmitted thousands of years of information showing the entire past, present, and future of the company to a stunned CNBC host who asked about the company’s direct listing today.
The visual blast of flashing lights, accompanied by what sounded like the screams of small children, only lasted for a fraction of a second, but somehow transmitted a generation of knowledge and was reported to feel like an eternity. One of the CNBC co-hosts was incapacitated, while the other immediately rushed off set in tears.
“Mom?! Mom, you are still alive!?” one CNBC anchor said, darting out of the camera frame toward producers. “My mother is still alive! And she has a 34% chance of becoming a criminal so I need to go see her right away. There’s not much time!”
The stock was up 10% immediately following the live broadcast event, as investors felt it was a better performance from the CEO, who recently spooked markets after responding to a question about how the 17 year old company has yet to turn a profit by releasing thousands of locusts from it’s all-seeing eye.
As of press time, Palantir’s CEO was seen teleporting into the studio, executing a cameraman, and then flashing a series of license plate addresses and “criminal hot spots” the cameraman was allegedly associated with.