Citing a backlog of other prayers He has been unable to address, God the Father Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth, announced today that He will no longer handle Bitcoin-related prayers.
“I understand that a lot of you have YOLO’d your life savings to go long Bitcoin, and that a smaller number of you have done things like go short Microstrategy, but look: this market is insane and frankly, I don’t have the bandwidth right now to deal with it,” said the creator of all things seen and unseen in a press release. “I’ve got kids dying of cancer and you want me to deal with this crap?”
“Additionally, while I realize that Tether is about to get destroyed and Bitcoin is up big right now, I want to make it clear I had nothing to do with any of it,” continued the Lord. “I wash my hands of it. It’s all on you guys.”
In a move similar to last month’s disavowal of Tesla intercessions, all prayers involving Bitcoin will now go directly into the heavenly equivalent of the junk folder. As God explained, “Let me be clear: it’s not the case that I’m going to hear the prayers but then not do anything about them. They won’t even get to me. They will literally fall upon deaf ears. Jesus won’t hear them either, so don’t think there’s some kind of loophole to get around this. I’m omniscient, okay?”
God will appear tomorrow morning on CNBC’s “Squawk Box” to further explain His new position.