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Gold Trader Tired of Being Bullied by Lumber Traders

Swirlies, wedgies, noogies, even the dreaded rear admiral: most people think they see the last of such things in their school days, and most people are right. But sadly, that’s not the case for local gold trader Manuel Convery.

“It’s this commodities boom,” says Convery. “Last year, everything was fine. But this year, with lumber prices out of control, all the jocks at the lumber trading desk are making my life a living hell,” he said. “They get a little money and start driving nice cars and all of a sudden they think they’re so awesome.”

Sources at Convery’s bank report that he has been the subject of a targeted harassment campaign. Signs are frequently stuck to his back saying things like “+300%!” and “I like useless rocks”. Ostracized by his peers, Convery sits alone at lunch in the bank cafeteria every day.

Worst of all, however, are the noogies. “I’m bald,” said Convery. “Those noogies can hurt when you don’t have the hair as a cushion.”

Convery’s pleas to management have fallen on deaf ears. “My manager just told me to ignore them… like that’s going to help,” he said. “And the HR rep told me to quit being such a tattletale.”

He remains resolute in the face of adversity, however. “Just wait until the fiat currency collapses, wrecking economic activity and sending the price of gold soaring. That’ll show ‘em!”