In an act of benevolent generosity, Goldman Sachs has increased intern pay to a full 100 hours of weekly experience.
“We pay our workers in memories,” said employment coordinator Jordan Frelgin. “And we’re happy to announce that we are nearly doubling the amount of memories our unpaid college students will have after this summer.”
Goldman—previously seen as an exploitative factory with an undying thirst for profit—has changed their ways, giving a roof over the head of their employees for a whole sixteen hours a day. Interns are even given a LinkedIn endorsement for their Excel skills.
“I’m really excited for the summer, GS has already been so kind to me,” said a sallow-faced college sophomore, looking a spry 34. “They let me interview seven times before giving me this position, that’s already so much experience.”
At press time, JPMorgan interns were attending their once-annual cure-all mental health seminar.