ARROLIME, Nev. — Investor and fantasy football enthusiast Zack McKinley has confirmed he approaches the stock market much like his fantasy league, yielding similarly awful results in both.
“Companies are the players, market hours are the draft, the initial capital is the buy-in, and I leave both empty-handed,” McKinley began. “Sometimes I’ll draft players that just got hurt because when they come back maybe it’ll be worth more points. I also dump people at the height of their game: Someone like Tom Brady has been too good for too long, you know this dude is gonna mess up one of these days… It’s like buying Amazon puts — someday you just KNOW it’s gonna crash!”
Other members of McKinley’s fantasy league have said they actually feel bad for him because he’s so awful at drafting players.
“It’s almost unfair, like, we shouldn’t be taking his money like this,” stated Jenna Marcus, last year’s league champion. “He drafted Andrew Luck AFTER retirement. It’s no wonder he keeps buying up weed stocks after that bubble has clearly burst.”
Jason Robins, CEO of Draftkings chimed in with a unique perspective, having a presence in both investing and fantasy.
“I took a quick glance at both his portfolio and his account with us. Interestingly, he sold his DKNG position mid-pandemic when our share price had already dropped significantly, and also bought into some randomized league we host right when a bunch of players got infected,” Robins commented. “I suppose points for consistency, the market definitely shares characteristics with fantasy leagues, but he is somehow the worst at both.”
At press time, McKinley confirmed he decided to take his money out of both fantasy and the stock market because an old acquaintance had an even more exciting top-down opportunity for him where he just has to sign up three people to sell moisturizer, then siphon profit off their sales.