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Guy Whose Whole Job It Is to Predict the Stock Market Has Never Once Been Right

NEW YORK — Local market analyst Mark Owens has reportedly spent his career making specific and vague predictions about the future of the stock market despite never once getting it right.

“People think my job is to get things right about the stock market. Well just like me and my predictions, they’re dead fucking wrong,” Owens explained. “My job is to give people comfort that someone smarter than them can guide them through making money on the stock market while taking a handsome fee. Well news flash: you can’t. So just enter my warm embrace and let me tell you how to lose money for the next few decades of my career. Or just buy the index. Your call.”

Owens’ editor at prominent financial website Stock Life, Kris Mendez, says that he is unable to fire him. “I mean what am I going to do? Hire a wizard? No one knows how this shit is gonna go,” Mendez said. “Sure Mark put a sell rating and price target of $22 on Tesla when it was nearing $1000 but at the time it made sense to him.”

“The funny thing is if you get a monkey with a dart board he won’t be as wrong as Mark. It almost defies probabilities how off he is. That being said if your strategy has been to fade everything he does you can probably retire now.”

Despite Owens’ consistently wrong predictions, he still remains undeterred. “My job is to make predictions and charge money for those predictions. No ever said they need to actually be right.”