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Hacked Account Best Thing to Happen to Retail Trader’s Portfolio

WESTPORT, Conn. — Recently hacked day trader Mark Radfrd experienced his most lucrative session of trading while locked out of his Robinhood account, sources confirm.

“My Tesla position dropped by like $2,000 and I was about to cut my losses and sell, but I couldn’t log into the app all day, and when I finally got through to customer service and unlocked my account, the stock had gone all the way back up and then some,” he stated. “I actually gained $10,000 by that afternoon. Thank you, guy allegedly in Turkey that broke into my email last night at 4am!”

Upon hearing the situation, Radford’s financial advisor, Chris McConnor suggested handing over his account more long term to the hackers.

“Hey, if it means you stop losing all your money, I’m into it,” McConnor added. “Go open all your emails for boner pills or from Nigerian Princes or something; let’s make some paper!”

A representative from the Russian cyber terrorism cabal responsible for the breach has said they got really into day trading after hacking the Robinhood app recently.

“When we broke into all these accounts, a couple of us did some basic research on margin trading and decided to have some fun,” said anonymous source. “I hacked into some guy in Arizona’s account and shorted GameStop when it was at $500/share and now that dude is a millionaire… Well, until I hack into his bank and steal it all, but still, very successful operation.”

Robinhood later put out an official statement on the subject asserting, “We allowed the data breach on purpose to help our clients stop losing money on ill advised day trades. We’re a very good company.”