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Hedge Funds and Brokerage Apps Move to Shut Down Stock Manipulation They Don’t Benefit From

In a stunning move, several brokerage apps restricted the buying of volatile securities Thursday, including GameStop and AMC. Robinhood also announced a rebrand, changing its slogan to “fuck you”.

Several brokerages were reportedly pressured by valuable hedge fund clients to stop the wild activity in “meme stocks”. According to sources, one anonymous hedge fund manager told several brokerages that stock manipulation that his firm didn’t profit it from was unacceptable.

“Look, the SEC is going to start cracking down on this, and if restrictions are put in place before we were able to extract a massive profit, that would just be unjust and heartbreaking,” he said via email.

To more efficiently handle the large volume of customer complaints coming in this morning, Robinhood rerouted its main customer service phone number to the suicide hotline.