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Here Are 4 Solid ETFs to Buy if You’re a Bitch Cry Baby Who Can’t Handle Risk

Many people get into the stock market to treat it like a casino, looking for a huge payout in a short amount of time. ETFs by design are for people looking to invest their money into something less volatile that will truly pay off after patiently waiting years and years. They’re a smart play for spineless blubbering chickenshit dweebs. If that’s you, here are four ETFs to consider:

This ETF is focussed on sports betting companies like DraftKings and iGaming industries to give an investor the illusion that they’re actually rolling the dice like someone with enormous cojones. Perfect for a run-of-the-mill phony baloney coward.

The ARK Innovation ETF is the flagship actively-managed fund from the team at ARK Invest. Led by Catherine Wood, who predicted that Bitcoin will one day hit $500,000. This is a clear way for a chump mama’s boy to give their money to a person with real guts in the lamest way.

Here we have an ETF for cannabis and its various applications with the dumbest fucking name. I feel humiliated just typing it out. Sure, it might make you money from weed which is cool on the surface, but at the cost of your dignity. Well, people doing ETF research have left their self-respect in the rearview mirror. The hell with it, if you’re going to be softer than marshmallow goo with your portfolio you might as well tack on a slang term that hasn’t been cool since 2013.

Just because ETFs are boring and tedious doesn’t mean they can’t also come off as pretty evil. OLD is an ETF that tracks global companies focused on senior living facilities/housing, nursing services, hospitals for the elderly. You’ll essentially be sucking the life out of the grandpas and grandmas of the world. Go ahead, try to profit off the suffering of the most vulnerable people in a milquetoast fashion, because you’re a schmuck face loser.