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High-Frequency Trader Moves Parents’ Basement Closer To NYSE Data Center

NEW YORK — After several weeks of dabbling in high-frequency trading (HFT), unemployed graphic designer Frank Burdett has decided to relocate his server closer to the New York Stock Exchange, much to the alarm of his parents, who have allowed him to live rent-free in their basement in Edison, New Jersey.

“I’ve read all about how colocation and ultra-low latency can unlock efficiencies worth millions of dollars, which definitely explains why I’ve only been losing money up to this point,” explained Burdett. “Algorithmic trading is not for everyone, and I would definitely consider it more art than science — thankfully I have an advantage over the eggheads who didn’t spend five years honing their craft at a college of fine arts and design.”

Burdett’s parents offered a different take on their son’s newfound ambition.

“After Frank was laid off and moved back home, we encouraged him to explore other opportunities and even signed him up for one of those Groupon deals that teaches you to write computer codes or some shit,” said Burdett’s mother Evelyn. “Next thing we know our house is on the market and we’re all crammed into a roach-infested basement studio on the East River.”

As a hedge on his own high-frequency trading enterprise, Burdett has also been shopping his proprietary algorithm to several prominent HFT firms.

“Frank’s trading algorithm is probably the most elegant programmatic expression I’ve seen in all my years,” said CTO of Two Sigma Securities Thomas LeDonge. “And by elegant I mean that it’s literally two lines of javascript that translates to ‘buy low, sell high’. There may have been more to it, but I had to wipe my laptop because of some pornhub virus that was on the thumb drive he gave me.”