LOS ANGELES — Telemed startup HIMS has gone public via merger with Oaktree Capital Management as opposed to traditional IPO to maintain discretion amongst self conscious investors, sources confirm.
“Most people want to buy stock in our company, but are too embarrassed to actually do it,” commented CEO Andrew Dudum. “So we entered the market as OAC, the independent investment firm. Now anyone who wanted in could buy shares without their nosy neighbors finding out.”
Though high profile celebrities have invested, many are still too embarrassed to publicly admit their involvement with the company.
“I figured if me and J. Lo came out and said we’re long on HIMS and HERS, people would be more comfortable about it,” said pro athlete and early investor Alex Rodriguez. “But you know how it is, they make boner pills! No one wants to admit they even know about the company, let alone invested in it.”
Trader Scott Albert has stated he was elated at the alternate name and symbol, as he was in need of an affordable potential unicorn stock to re-invigorate his impotent portfolio.
“The last few big ones were AirBNB and DoorDash, both of which are way too expensive,” he began. “I needed something affordable that could get huge, especially since my portfolio had been having so much trouble growing lately. It’s just so emasculating when you can’t get your net value up!”
Though analysts predict the company’s stock price will see a hard, steep incline in value, most say it will not last long, and would be worried about problems down the line if said growth lasts longer than 6 hours adding, “Unless HIMS has a new product for said growth to safely last longer as well.”