BROOKLYN — Ahead of his time tastemaker and all-around really cool guy Holden Rupert was once again at the forefront of a trend, trading shares of a local, privately owned free-trade coffee shop, exhaustingly pretentious sources confirm.
“I moved to Williamsburg before everyone else, I started riding bikes before everyone else, it’s only fitting I would buy this stock before everyone else,” Rupert stated. “Before it goes public and all the plebe normies know about it, and definitely before the dip when it becomes all trendy and mainstream.”
Rupert’s equally insufferable roommate Carson Paris also considered getting in on the trend but decided it was already too late.
“The whole reason to buy was to be able to say I had it before people even knew about it, kind of the way my dad, before anyone knew about the company, scooped up 500 shares of the evil empire Amazon, which by the way I boycott by using his Prime account instead of setting up my own because it’s a villainous corporation,” he rambled while attempting to hand-roll a clove cigarette. “Maybe that fixed-speed bike barter-shop can sell me a few shares of pre-IPO stock!”
Patrick Stern, owner of the coffee shop in question, 23rd street coffee, was confused by the interest in a partial stake in the company.
“We don’t actually have ‘stock’ so I’m not even sure what this dude bought,” he commented. “We’ll likely never be publicly traded, it’s literally just me and my sister making coffee for people in Williamsburg. I don’t even know how making company stock works. Do I write a letter to the stock market and ask?”
In an effort to stay ahead of the curve, Rupert confirmed he also sold the stock before it IPO’d, losing his entire investment.