The world is in mourning after yesterday’s Facebook crash caused millions to die after having no place to receive thoughts and prayers.
New widow, Karen Thompson, says her husband depended on the daily well wishings. “He had been sick for a while and we don’t really trust modern medicine so the thoughts and prayers were the only thing keeping him going.” Thompson explained, “He would get up every morning and post his favorite Q theories then go argue with liberals. He just loved the one about Hilary and the basement. Without that and the thoughts and prayers strangers would post on his wall, he just couldn’t go on. We’re starting a chain message in his honor later this week.”
Doctors around the country are scrambling to find out how to prevent this from happening again.
“I recommend keeping some offline thoughts and prayers,” said Dr. Jill Norton. “They aren’t as popular and definitely don’t do as good a job as liking and sharing but it’s important to be prepared. Maybe one day you won’t have WiFi. What happens then? No birthday wishes, no MLM’s, you’re on your own. I really don’t know how we survived before Facebook but that’s not a world I want to live in.”
Facebook representatives stress the importance of their product to the world’s well-being.
“Now you all see. This whole Senate whistleblower thing better fucking stop or we’ll shut it down again. You think six hours was bad. Wait until you have to go a whole week without creeping on your ex’s photos. I own you all,” said some guy who kept repeating that he is not Mark Zuckerberg.
At press time, millions of people were commenting “thoughts and prayers” on a photo taken 20 years ago of a starving African child.