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How I Became Wealthy

My adoring fans (and the feds) always ask how I accumulated my wealth. It’s an inspiring story of grit, gumption and hard work that I wanted to share.

I attended Harvard Business School and received my degree in 1937. Upon graduation, I was starting from scratch; I only had my close personal connections with the Kennedys and Rockefellers, plus a small loan of $200 million (not adjusted for inflation) from my father.

I used that small loan to purchase a 30% stake in Pacific Telephone & Telegraph in the late 30’s and after being named Chief Executive Officer, I got to work disrupting the industry. Among my countless innovations, I pioneered the Golden Parachute, excessive stock-based compensation for executives, and self-dealing transactions.

In the 1980’s, due solely to merit alone I was put in charge of the parent company, AT&T. However, my tenure was short-lived because I pronounced the company name as “a titty” several times in TV interviews and other public appearances. I argued that it was a mistake any CEO could make but it fell on deaf ears with the board.

After a brief hiatus spent giving back in developing countries (plundering Africa for it’s impressive resource supply), I returned to the US for the Dot Com Boom. AOL brought me on as Executive Chairman at a more than generous salary.

After taking about two years to learn what the internet was, and still unsure if I’m being candid, I was ready to lead America Online to global domination. I have never used a computer. Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond my control, the company began to flounder and I resigned.

However, not before making the best financial decision of my life by cashing out my AOL stock in late 1999. It’s allowed me to live a life of (more) leisure, which now mostly consists of tweeting 16 hours per day. Many of the war bonds I bought during World War II are now coming due, which has been a nice windfall allowing me to pay for the gas in my yacht.