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How To Spin Your Federal Indictment To Investors

So you’ve just been indicted by a federal grand jury for wire fraud and insider trading.

Now what?

Your number one goal is to keep your job as CEO long enough to collect your year-end bonus. If you’re able to do that, your next objective should be to keep your job long enough for all your stock options to vest. Here are five helpful tips to accomplish this:

1) Remind investors that an “indictment” isn’t a conviction.

Plenty of people have been indicted only to be vindicated in court later. OJ Simpson and Casey Anthony, for example. Your investors need to keep in mind that the prosecutors charging you are most likely just jealous haters.

2) Relocate your company’s operation to a non-extradition country in the name of “tax savings”

There are several tropical, non-extradition tax havens to relocate your company’s headquarters to. Cambodia, Tunisia, and the Maldives are all great options. Make sure your investors think the relocation is to take advantage of “tax savings” and “operational efficiencies”. Gullible investors eat that shit up.

3) Send out press releases “from” the US Attorney’s Office stating that all charges have been dropped

If you send out a press release from the US Attorney’s Office that explains that your charges have been dropped, your investors will be relieved and eager to retain you as CEO. If the US Attorney finds out about the press release, they may even be forced to drop the charges to save face. It’s a win-win!

4) Threaten to take a higher-paying job

If you think your board of directors or investors may be looking to fire you, tell them you’ve received a better offer as COO at a company like JP Morgan or Nikola. Most of the time, the board will experience “FOMO”, or fear of missing out, and quickly act to retain you with a long-term contract.

5) Blackmail the judge

When all else fails, your last resort is blackmailing the judge presiding over your case. While it’s an ethical “gray area”, it can usually help you slip out of a jam. Be sure to have one of your company employees dig up some juicy material on the judge; we personally would not recommend paying for this labor out of pocket, since it tends to be time-consuming and expensive.