It’s 2PM on a Tuesday and Dave Portnoy is at John’s of Bleecker Street in NYC, enjoying their legendary pizza with the company of an Instagram model. He pauses between bites to sign a young man’s Barstool wallet before turning back to his meal. A Hard Money reporter is always on duty, so I approach their table and ask for a quick interview. Dave tells me that the model DM’d him when she read about his newest investments in crypto over the weekend. “Did they make a lot of money?” I ask. “No,” the model explains, “he lost 2 million dollars!”
This true story illustrates the way the new game is played. Investing isn’t about making money, it’s about losing it in glorious fashion. The stupider the investment, the better the story. If you’re serious about increasing your clout, keep reading for our five tips to starting a shitcoin.
1) Understanding Shitcoins
The term shitcoin refers to a cryptocurrency with little to no value or discernible purpose. The diminished value of a shitcoin is often due to failed investor interest because it was not created in good faith or because its price was based on speculation. As such, these currencies are considered to be terrible investments, and that’s why we’ll be focusing on them as our primary wealth building tool.
2) Creating Your Shitcoin
The beauty of making a failed currency is that you can’t really do it wrong. If you have some understanding of coding and blockchain, just do your best to choose a consensus mechanism, blockchain platform, and internal architecture. Then, design an interface and make your cryptocurrency legal. However, feel free to completely fail at any of these stages, including the legal part. If your crypto airplane blows up in the hangar and, better yet, you go to jail, you will definitely get on the best podcasts and go viral on TikTok. Of course, you can also just pay someone to do the work. They say if you want something right, do it yourself, which is perfect because we want to fail spectacularly.
3) Naming Your Shitcoin
Now that the basic housekeeping is done, the fun can begin! Naming your coin is where you get to showcase your personality. Are you a shady hipster like the creators of ‘Scamcoin?’ Maybe you’re more of a ‘Fck Banks Coin’ person. Or you could always keep it simple like the creators of ‘Fellatiocoin’ (yes all three of the previous examples are real.) Choose well though, because nobody will want to write about you if your name is boring.
4) Ruining Your Relationships
A race is won in the very beginning, which is why it’s so crucial that we spam everyone we know to invest in our coins. Depending on people in your own circle is a terrible way to market anything, and no story of failure is complete without a chapter on how the fool lost his family and friends. We recommend building a clunky app around the coin that requires daily interaction, since there’s no better way to get people to hate you than to steal their time.
5) Enjoying the Spoils
So, you’ve created DunceCoin and completely failed in every way. You’ve just got out of jail and have nowhere to sleep. You’re almost home free! Since you will likely not have a phone at this point, you’ll have to stage some kind of public display to go viral so people will interview you to find out where everything went wrong. We recommend wandering the streets screaming gibberish, but remember to keep your clothes on so you don’t end up arrested again. Have a tight ten minute description of your personal journey to tell people when they hold a phone in your face. Then all you have to do is wait for vloggers to track you down and start inviting you onto their shows. Congrats, you’re a retard on par with the biggest investing legends of our time!