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How to Stop Feeling Guilty About Your Cocaine Habit by Thinking of It As Equivalent to Buying Only 10 Starbucks Coffees a Day

Your loved ones keep checking on you, telling you how concerned they are about what appears to be a spiral into addiction. There’s never enough money left at the end of the month to cover every bill.

You haven’t taken your kids on a vacation in two years. And you’re starting to feel a twinge of remorse, doing some self-examination, and wondering if the problem might be that you’re going through about a half ounce of nose candy a week.

Well, stop that toxic thinking right now. No good comes from beating yourself up over the past — or the present or future, for that matter.

Think of it this way: Lots of people stop at Starbucks every day on their way to work and spend $5 on a coffee without even thinking of it. And unless they’re a millennial who can’t afford to buy a house or have children, nobody is shaming them over their stupid coffee, right?

Well, think of cocaine as your version of coffee. Yes, it is considerably more expensive than actual coffee, but it’s also a fuckload more fun. And if it keeps you productive at work — and staves off the crash that’s so painful it makes you want to blow your head off — isn’t it worth the cost in dollars and relationships?

You know how commercials for life insurance and other scams always include the phrase, “For the price of a cup of coffee a day…” to distract you from the actual cost? You can do that to yourself, too! You’re not spending $20,000 a year on blow — you’re just buying yourself about 10 Starbucks a day. You’ve gone from buying $20 bags to grams to balls to whole ounces at a time — giving yourself some big savings by purchasing in bulk. Pretty smart! And it’s a sure bet you’re getting more bang out of your “coffee” than the lady in the next cubicle is from her lame old latte. Sucks that it costs that much more, though — and hey, do you think you could hook us up this weekend? Our guy is getting too expensive.