MANHATTAN–Clad in a carefully selected ensemble of vintage clothing and a rare pair of Yeezys, local Youtube influencer Jim Power is onto the next big thing: losing all of his money in crypto.
Power and his friends think nothing of standing in line for hours to get into exclusive clubs where they will take part in a fad that’s gripped today’s youth: blowing their entire life savings on an ill-considered crypto investment.
“WOOOOO!” exclaimed Power to his friends who had joined him to blow their savings as well. “This is going to be 🔥,” explained Power, who has learned how to incorporate emojis into speech.
“You know, my dad is totally against this,” said Power. “He said that back in his day, they’d just put money into the hottest mutual funds and see their money be slowly eaten away via disappointing performance and high fees.”
“He just doesn’t get it,” said Power. “We’re the crypto generation. What works for them doesn’t work for us.”
Though pissing away your money on stupid bullshit is an time-honored American tradition, financial experts caution the prudence is necessary and urge consumers never to destroy more wealth than they can afford.
Power is undaunted, however. “There’s a crypto gig tomorrow in Greenpoint that’s going to be 💯,” he said.