NEW YORK – Against my better judgement I went out today and bought a whole bunch of Chinese stocks. I ignored my dad’s advice to buy home grown, American grass fed stocks, and now I’m stuck with these Chinese stocks that don’t even work right.
First of all, these stocks look nothing like they did in the pictures on the box they came in. I thought I was buying some high-quality, no-frills stocks at a discount price. But I could tell right out of the gate that I had been duped.
The stocks were supposed to be green, but these stocks were clearly red, with a few green paint chips falling off their rickety exteriors. These stocks also smelled like chemicals after sitting so long in airtight packaging in transit from the small factory in Guangdong to the New York City Electronics store where I bought them.
The guy who sold me the stocks also sells cameras, DVD players, and he can jailbreak any iPhone from before 2018. I met him playing chess matches for cash in Washington Square Park. He told me to follow him to his store in Times Square because he had the hook up on a new shipment of “very-high tech” stocks.
Being a high-tech kind of guy with a penchant for danger, I thought I would roll the dice on these Chinese stocks. Snake eyes! When I tried to return the stocks the next day, the store owner claimed to not know who I was, so I was forced to try and call the number on the box. That number was routed directly to a shell company’s automated answering machine on Turks & Caicos.
I learned my lesson though. I’m retiring early from Chinese equity investing and sticking to safer things like Bitcoin.