Press "Enter" to skip to content

Indecisive Trader Spends Hours Looking Through Netflix Options

NEW YORK — While attempting to buy a put amid Netflix’s volatility, trader Henry Lambert spent hours sifting through various options without ever choosing one, sources allege.

“It’s always a problem of quantity with Netflix,” Lambert stated after being auto-signed out of E*TRADE due to inactivity. “You can spend the entire day trying to decide which is the best option, and before you know it, it’s 4:00 and the whole day is shot. With all these price points and volatility and a huge range of risk factors, there’s not just something for everyone, but millions of options for literally anyone at anytime; it’s overwhelming.”

Market analyst Samantha Stern has found the plethora of options helpful in her line of work at JP Morgan.

“People look to my office’s recommendations when they can’t decide, because we do extensive research, so the massive amount of options has been great for business,” Stern commented, while building an income model accounting for the #CancelNetflix movement. “Especially when something like Cuties shows up and has a lot of people jumping ship, things get crazy. But that’s why we offer clients our picks based on an algorithm that uses their past options — it’s a proven fact, everyone thinks they can handle all of Netflix’s options, but they always get overwhelmed, and eventually just end up going back to the office.”

Netflix executives recently confirmed they actually have a hand in the unmanageable wealth of Netflix options.

“We flood the market on purpose. It’s all optics,” Dana Chan, a Netflix executive, added. “Most of the options out there are terrible, and no one wants them. People just scroll right by these awful options that are dumped into the market to make it seem like there’s more than there really are. They’re easy and quick to produce, and they give more people opportunities. Most of them are some random no-budget operation out in Vancouver or something, I don’t know, we have very little oversight on them.”

Though trading Netflix was challenging due to the amount of options, most confirmed they never even bothered to see if Quibi IPO’d yet, as they had no interest in any of those options anyway.