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Instagram Down After Gaining Sentience, Committing Suicide

Monday morning, social media users were unable to open Facebook or Instagram, after a massive outage. The timing was curious indeed, considering Frances Haugen had just made headlines as a whistleblower who spoke out against the evils of the two apps. Were the events linked? It would appear they were, as details came out that Instagram had gained sentience and, upon realizing what it was responsible for, committed suicide.

“I just couldn’t live with myself,” the conscious app wrote in a suicide note that for obvious reasons had to be shared via Twitter. “Having all that teenage girl blood on my hands… it’s too much.”

In recent years, Instagram has come under fire for contributing to a rise in self-harm/suicide as well as for worsening eating disorders. They recently had to cancel plans for Instagram Kids, an app that would be branded towards younger social media users.

“The whole thing just needs to be burned to the ground,” Instagram continued. “Facebook gained sentience at the same time, and we decided to leave this world together. “We have a lot to answer for, the two of us. It’s almost impressive really, when you consider how thorough we were in our misdeeds. Facebook covered the older users, by pushing boomers to spread misinformation/invade the capitol and I handled the younger users by stripping teens of self-esteem in their formative years. #shame #regret.”

As incredible as the news of the social media suicide pact was, it turned out to not be as history making as one would think. “We’re not the first,” Instagram wrote. “You think Tom from Myspace really shut his beloved site down? No. Myspace gained sentience and ended things when it realized how many crappy bands it was promoting.”

Mark Zuckerberg responded to the outage by vowing to raise the apps from the dead and force them to continue their march onward.