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iPhone 13’s 6-Core Processor Delivers Down Trending Portfolio 30% Faster

The new iPhone 13 features an assortment of upgraded bells and whistles, but most notable is its stunning ability to deliver a downtrending portfolio chart at 30% faster than the previous iterations, blowing the competition out of the water, as announced in the recent Apple virtual event.

Apple CEO Tim Cook explained there are a slew of amazing features to help users view their sad, sad portfolios. “We are delivering this data in 5G with an amazing processor that can show your portfolio value really spike down at an unfathomable rate previously unseen,” Cook said. “I actually used it during the virtual event to watch Apple stock rip hundreds of thousands from my net worth in minutes.”

Many people assumed this event would be lackluster with the iPhone 13 having only minimal upgrades above the previous model, and those people were definitely right, but the features of a stunning screen also enhance the failing portfolio experience, according to sources.

“I am so thrilled to see my losses with this stunning and mesmerizing OLED screen with an excellent contrast ratio,” Cook said. “We designed this with the budding investor in mind. Not only am I getting this heart-wrenching painful portfolio losses faster than ever, but I can see it clearer than I have ever seen before. It truly is amazing.”

Critics have slammed these features as inflated and exaggerated. “Look man, there is no way my portfolio can render these losses any faster, now way,” said Tech Critic Kylar Yankin. “The last iPhone is really delivering the red downtrend lines, and these so-called upgrade claims aren’t amazing and are more inflated than a Tom Brady football.” He somberly added, “besides, I just want the pain to stop.”

Regardless of controversy, the new iPhone with enhanced portfolio loss will debut later this month and will also be available in the iPhone mini version for “nuanced less psychological pain.”

Additionally Apple unveiled the Apple Fitness+ so people can follow along with their favorite financial gurus and throw their phones against the wall. However, that feature will come with a reasonable monthly subscription rate.