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Is This the Next Amazon? I Just Lost All My Life Savings, So No, I Guess It’s Not

What if you had the opportunity to go back 20 years and get in on the ground floor of Amazon or Apple? Unfortunately that ship has sailed, but what if you had a chance to invest in the next Amazon right now? Surely, you would want this information at your fingertips so you could sink your life savings into that company, convince your parents to take out a second mortgage on their home, and reap all the benefits — becoming one of the richest people on Earth.

Well do I have a company for you.

And by that I mean a company for you to cross off the list of possibilities because Jesus Fucking Christ, it turns out this is decidely not the next Amazon. It’s not even the next Enron.

Let me fill you in on how I was able to track this company down. There I was, scanning the bathroom floor at the horse track in hopes of finding an accidentally discarded winning ticket, when a fella pulled me into a stall and asked if I wanted to make some easy money. Never one to pass up a lucrative investment opportunity, I immediately asked him for his elevator pitch. I’m a finance writer, so I know a good pitch when I hear one.

And boy was I impressed — a website where you can buy anything you need, but it’d be better than all the other websites that let you do that (he didn’t have his pitch deck, but his word was good enough for me). Plus, it would also be kinda like Facebook and YouTube combined, with some gamification to boot!

Too good to be true? 

Absolutely. It was absolutely too good to be true. I’m broke and I ruined my parents’ lives. But for those few fleeting moments from when I handed that guy all of my banking information right up until when he peeled out of the parking lot in his powder green Datsun, I was on cloud 9. 

Perhaps what’s most important here is I have learned from this mistake. Sure, maybe it didn’t work out this time, but for about a half day there, it felt really good to get in on the ground floor of the next big thing in tech/retail/waste management. In that sense, it really was the next Amazon. It was, for me personally, Amazon for those few seconds.

And no bank, collection agency, or loan shark can ever take that feeling away from me. Trust me, I know, because they’ve taken the rest.