LOS ANGELES — The US government has enlisted help from much sought after filmmaker JJ Abrams for help rebooting the economy, sources confirm.
“The economy is dying a slow death, and every measure to save it only makes it worse, so it’s time to wipe the slate clean and start over,” stated Steven Braun, a member of the Council of Economic Advisors. “Mission: Impossible, Star Trek, Star Wars? If you need to reinvigorate a franchise, JJ is the best option… We just need to lock him in for the full plan, not change people partway through, obviously.”
Abrams admitted he was nervous about the responsibility, but excited for the challenge.
“Most of my rebooting experience has been exciting action movies and TV shows, so getting into government work is definitely going to be tricky, but I love learning new mediums, so this should be great,” Abrams commented. “I’m thinking we go the Star Trek route and just use a quick little 30 second bit to erase all canon and start over from scratch. I just gotta make sure not to hand off complete control to someone else, in case they try to start changing things and undo my vision — I’d prefer not to have to come back at the last minute and attempt to fix a big old mess, that’s never fun, and usually doesn’t work.”
Market analysts were optimistic about the strategy, knowing Abrams’ success rate in various other businesses.
“He’s a big fan of drawing inspiration from original incarnations of whatever he’s rebooting, reusing the good parts, while bringing his perspective into the mix, so as long as he models it after an era when the economy was good, this should be a step in the right direction,” Rachel Bornstein, an economist and market analyst added. “And also, ya know, if he lays out a multi-step plan, let’s have him stay on for subsequent parts to make sure someone else doesn’t step in and ruin it. This guy is an entertainment wizard, just rename the ‘Dow’ the ‘McGuffin’ or ‘Mystery Box’ or something, and we should thrive!”
At press time, Abrams was being vetted for possibly just taking over as President instead, to reboot the entire country from scratch, many pleading, “Help us JJ Abrams, you’re our only hope.”