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John Rich: On a Divorce-Adjusted Basis, Jeff Bezos is Still the Richest Man Alive

Earlier this morning, multiple news outlets reported that Elon Musk surpassed Jeff Bezos as the wealthiest man in the world. As a prominent inventor of numerous community-adjusted, non-GAAP financial metrics, I wanted to take a deeper dive into this.

What I found was shocking.

Those rushing to declare Musk the richest man alive are overlooking a key fact: Jeff Bezos just went through the most expensive divorce in the history of the world. After accounting for this fact, it’s clear that Bezos is the wealthiest man in the world according to divorce-adjusted net worth (DANW).

When the bank denied me last year for a large mortgage on a 700-unit slum apartment building, I was furious. The reason for the denial was that I did not meet their net worth threshold. How could a self-respecting financial institution deny such a creditworthy man like myself?

Then I realized: I hadn’t presented the bank with my divorce-adjusted financials.

Once the commercial lending officer saw that my net worth was 27x higher after adjusting for my nine messy and expensive divorces, he quickly approved my loan application without asking for a bribe.

I am surprised that Jeff Bezos has not taken to Twitter to defend his own honor. According to my calculations, Bezos is worth approximately $50 billion more than Musk after accounting for the stock he gave to his ex-wife.

If Jeff is reading this (60% chance he is), I urge him to hire a respected auditing firm like Arthur Andersen to confirm his divorce-adjusted net worth and publish the results immediately. A tasteful meme to dunk on Elon is also encouraged.