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Local Cryptocurrency Investor Unable to Figure Out How to Turn His Investment Back into Real Money

Kalamazoo, MI — The new year has already soured for one local man when he found himself unable to withdraw his savings in order to pay for recent medical expenses. Ted Lowlan, a retired plumber, was reportedly a recent investor in a cutting edge new crypto. Was this a scam, or was the situation a product of Lowlan’s inexperience and ineptitude? We were there to find out.

“This is a god-damned medical emergency,” expressed an agitated Lowlan, moments after sitting down in his home for an interview. “Twenty grand of MY money is stuck up there in the cloud, meanwhile I’m down here with my leg all busted up from shovelin’ the snow off my driveway, and I can’t afford the damn ER.”

A sad tale it seemed, until we pressed Lowlan on the specifics of his crypto investment. His answers dodged around our questions until finally he relented, “Look, I’m really not at liberty to discuss the specifics of my investment, however I will say they offered an extremely good deal when buying in. I got twenty five percent of my initial investment for free in Internet coins.”

The pieces started falling into place. There was only one site we knew of that offered both a twenty-five percent sign up bonus and represented their currency with coins. When we revealed to Mr. Lowlan and his wife that this place was, in fact, a pornographic live-cam service site called Urine-Luck.com, we were promptly asked to leave.

And so, it remains a mystery. Was this really another case of a hard-working American being scammed? Or was it a great and desperate attempt by a man to convince his wife that he did not spend thousands of dollars on porn.