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Macy’s To Commence First Ever Black Friday Gladiatorial Deathmatch

Right off the heels of Indigenous People’s Day, that other day about a dumbfuck sailing syphilitic sex pest who didn’t know basic geography, and the renewed popularity of the violent battle royale genre, Macy’s has made quite the interesting announcement about their Thanksgiving Day festivities this year.

Rather than holding an annual holiday parade as they consistently have since 1924, Macy’s is set to televise their first-ever annual Black Friday Gladiatorial Deathmatch, an announcement they unveiled through a firestorm press release.

“If there’s any our company’s learned over the past year-and-a-half, it’s that incalculable suffering and unspeakable levels of agony underpin every waking moment of our lives. That no level of sublimation can stand to outweigh the untold misery innately baked into this existence. That the shadow of the Reaper’s scythe omnisciently hangs over everything we do, waiting for the inevitable right moment to strike. But who needs to reform all this untold suffering when you can stand to make a quick buck off it?”

Filmed at a derelict Macy’s at an undisclosed location, the show is set to select 50 randomized competitors from each of our nation’s states, and pit these competing shoppers in a brutal, large scale, drag-out brawl. Contenders may use their future winnings as weapons or risk having their potential winnings weaponized against them.

“We’ve planted some tantalizing finds in the store inventory, like a 1992 Collector’s Edition Tickle Me Elmo. But will that Elmo be used to cave in the skull of Kentucky Kam, or will it be used to bludgeon Colorado Courtney’s face into an unrecognizable gory pulp? You’re gonna have to tune in to find out.”

Contestants will need to outwit danger, one another, and avoid being trampled by militarized cartoon character floaties if they want to win the inventory stash, as well as a generous $50 gift card they can take home to use at their nearest Macy’s. Winners will also be afforded the generous services of the company’s social media manager, who will professionally write them a free healthcare GoFundMe in lieu of providing insurance or actual benefits.

As a longstanding shill for capitalistic products, cutesy corporate cartoon characters, and exploitative holidays, perhaps it’s only fitting that Macy’s would also decide to serve as the doula heralding the economy’s slow death throes into ruin. While the company declined to comment on its usual advertisers’ declinations for comment, Macy’s says that LiveLeak viewers can look forward to watching the deathmatch on Friday, November 26th, 8/7 Central.