CONSHOHOCKEN, Pa. — Local entrepreneur and Phish superfan Jesse Findlay announced to his followers on Instagram that he has begun to sell premium marijuana stocks out of the men’s bathroom in an unsightly Exxon station.
“On the low, my portfolio is fire as fuck,” Findlay proclaimed proudly from the seat of a 1998 Buick LaCrosse. “Other guys only have small-cap weed stocks, but your boy here has got the hookup on some fire investments in the cannabis industry. Shit, I can get you a full 1/8th ownership of an entire company for like, 45 bucks. It’s totally bankrupt but still. Just holler at me.”
Findlay joins a plethora of new investors who have used unqualified YouTube experts to educate themselves on the workings of the market.
“I thought legalization was gonna kill my business, but all I needed was the hustle to adapt,” said marijuana and stock salesman Patrick Kuhne. “Anyone who doesn’t smoke can still make a dank profit on weed if they know what they’re doing. I can’t wait until they have stocks in molly and Perc’s, then I’m gonna be loaded.”
Findlay’s new success comes at some expense, however; the Exxon bathroom where he “posts up” has been overflowing with customers, to the dismay of shift manager Ernie Mullen.
“If he’s such a legitimate businessman, why is he setting up shop in my shitter?” Mullen lamented between mouthfuls of sunflower seeds. “I’ve got customers complaining about creeps loitering in the bathroom, offering them deals while they’re trying to take a leak. I don’t think Warren Buffet ever did any business standing at a urinal.”
Prospective investors can arrange a meeting with Findlay by private messaging @NASDANQ420 on Instagram, or @jessesGUAP69 on TikTok.