SAN FRANCISCO — Graphic designer Tom Stevens reaped a windfall this year after finally remembering the password to a digital wallet containing 150 Bitcoins that he sold for a profit of $5 million — a fortune he squandered almost immediately after remembering the password to the Robinhood account he’d been locked out of for months.
“Everyone said I was nuts back in 2015 when I cashed out my 401k to go all-in on Bitcoin at $250. I was just looking to turn a quick profit at the time, but boy am I glad it took me six years to remember my damn password.”
“I just wish it wasn’t so similar to the one I used for the stupid Robinhood account that dropped me back down to zero,” Stevens lamented. “That app should seriously have a cooling off period after you make a big deposit that big, you know? Like this gun I just bought.”
Stevens’ former manager Mark Wegman recounted his last conversation with the newly-minted Bitcoin millionaire on the day he quit his job.
“Tom called to let me know he wouldn’t be finishing any of his projects or dialing into another dumbass Zoom meeting, and that I could’ve rode the Bitcoin rocketship to $35,000 if I wasn’t such a little bitch with no vision,” recalled Wegman.
“I was genuinely happy for the guy and started to inquire about his retirement plans when he cut me off to ask how many GameStop shares I would buy if my dick wasn’t so small and I didn’t hate making money.”
At press time, Stevens is reportedly close to remembering his Venmo password, which he hopes will allow him to request the $2,500 he needs to pay this month’s rent from his parents who have stopped answering his calls.