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Markets Are Rigged Says New Trader Now Only up 27% YOY

“This is bullshit,” says new trader Thomas Suchinsky from his make-shift trading station in the corner of his studio apartment. “I remember hearing the markets were rigged but this is next level.”

Suchinsky is referring to his 74% gains being cut by more than half after the recent market turbulence and now sitting at a pathetic 27% for the last twelve months.

“I’m not sure if it’s a ladder attack or some other global conspiracy but there is absolutely no reason why I should have lost a huge chunk of gains like this. The economy is opening up and we’ve basically defeated covid.”

When asked what stocks his portfolio consists of, he paused until understanding that the word portfolio was referencing his basket of stocks.

“I have a lot of Gamestop obviously and Blackberry. Some other meme stocks and some SPACs. You need have SPACs if you’re going to do well in this market.”

When asked what his risk management strategy is he again takes a lengthy pause. “I buy tickers I like and only really buy stocks I think can double inside a week. It’s just crazy to me I’m only up 27%. Actually checking we’re at 22% now. I have to go.”

We haven’t been able to get in touch with Suchinsky since as his phone is no longer in service.