Millions of people around the world were left feeling strange, unusual and a little less dead inside after a massive Facebook, Instagram outage allowed them to hold on to the smallest remaining amount of self-esteem possible.
The outage, which occurred while millions were being targeted by body shaping ads and buxom friend requests and racist fringe group suggestions, left people with enough shreds of confidence to fake enthusiasm for the first time in years.
“It was the strangest thing really, I was sitting there doomscrolling, there was a blip,” social media connoisseur Jackie Winters said. “Facebook was gone, and then I had a warm sense of relief, kinda like when a cop follows you but doesn’t pull you over,” she added while wearing a t-shirt that stated, “Never Underestimate a Drunken Daughter who Plays Subway Surfers, listens to R Kelly and was Born in August.”
After taking a sigh of relief, she continued, ”So all of sudden, I wasn’t hating myself like usual, which was totally strange because I got this big ol’ forehead and all. But I was just chill, like a monk or something. I went from feeling completely dead inside, to just kinda dead inside, and that was a rush I will never forget.”
Some scientists claim the “blip” may have also altered the reality timeline as we know it, adding that this may be the first time in human history we have witnessed a real-time nexus event that placed humanity on a course to enlightenment.
“I’ll put this in layman terms so your miniscule mind can understand it,” said Theoretical Physicist Xavier Munchowski. “We have been in the bad timeline for nearly a decade, but the Facebook blip fixed it. Like when Marty McFly could see his hand again after trying to bang his mom,” he said referencing a beloved ‘80s family film. “We were on a collective path to hell because people had no self-esteem left after being psychically manipulated over and over again by Zuck and the crew. We were straight up actin’ a fool, but now, it’s all good. People can just sort of make it through the motions again without the complete existential despair. It’s truly a miracle.”
As of this story, Facebook spokespersons have yet to accept a friend request for comment.