MARS, Penn.— Mars Bancorp Inc. ($MNBP) saw its shares skyrocket 600% after CEO James Dionise formally announced his intentions to buy out food producer Mars, Incorporated and make the Snickers’ dick vein “extra vascular,” aroused company officials confirmed.
“We here at Mars Bancorp hope this merger will counteract the ‘woke candy cancel censorship’ mob rampantly sweeping the nation. We want more candy that will allow consumers to mimic sex acts with every delicious bite,” said Dionise while deep throating a Snickers to the delight of his colleagues. “Are we truly operating in a free market if we can’t freely salivate over the sexiness of our chocolates?”
At press time, Mars Bancorp proposed “bigger dumpers on the M&Ms” in a formal press release, and outlined its wishes to put its $30M market valuation to “meaningful, powerful, and girthy” use.