$MRNA had big gains today after a successful summit between Olivia Rodrigo, President Biden, and the Department of Defense. Rodrigo was sent to the front lines of the vaccine battle, where she single handedly defeated an army of cynical teen anti-vaxxers.
“We are very excited that the government and their best super-soldier finally stepped up to fight for vaccinations,” said Moderna CEO Stephane Bancel. “We are seeing vast increases in vaccination rates now that teens are aware they could be destroyed at any moment by a bitter pop song.”
Rodrigo released “Anti-Anti-Vax,” a song so defiant, it immediately converted or killed every rebellious teenager that refused to get vaccinated. The song was reportedly written in the Situation Room alongside a team of Defense experts.
“It’s a great day for Moderna, and a great day for our country,” continued Bancel. “We can never underestimate the power of teenage angst. It’s a cure greater than anything we’ve developed.”
At press time, President Biden was seen sobbing to a framed photo of Obama while listening to “Good 4 U.”