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‘Money Never Sleeps and Neither Do I’ Whispers Finance Bro to Elon Musk in Wettest Dream to Date

After a long day applying technical analysis to squiggly lines, finance worker Dan Perrin nodded off at his computer. When he woke, Perrin found a topless man straddling him on his office chair. But it wasn’t just any man. It was the smartest, bravest, most creative man on the planet – Elon Musk. “Am I dreaming?” thought Perrin. “Who the fuck cares?” Perrin embraced Musk and held him tightly to his chest. “Elon, my dear: it’s going to be a long night, for money never sleeps and neither do I”

After hugging and smelling Musk for 20 minutes, Perrin finally let go. He was rewarded with the sight of Musk’s sculpted chest. Normally Musk wore perfectly tailored shirts and pants with a perfect-fitting suit jacket on top, so it was hard to know what was underneath it all, but Perrin always knew that Musk was ripped af. “So this is what Grimes gets to see every night. She’s so lucky. And so am I,” thought Perrin. “Elon, do you know why they call me The Big Short? Because it’s short, but it’s also very wide.”

Perrin threw Musk roughly onto the bed in a lusty rage. “What have I done?” thought Perrin. “Surely the biggest alpha on the planet, a man who exudes testosterone from his every pore, would hate being manhandled by someone as lowly as I.” But Musk didn’t care. He just looked up from the bed dreamily. “Of course. Being top-dog all day must be exhausting. When Elon goes to bed, he likes a little role-reversal. Well, I can help with that.” “Elon, do you know why they call me The Wolf of Ball Street? Let me show you…”

Perrin woke up. He started weeping. Of course it was a dream. Life could never be so beautiful.