WASHINGTON — On the final days of his presidency, Donald Trump signed an executive order diverting $10 billion in defense funds to the immediate construction of a new social networking platform, and awarded the contract to Minnesota-based manufacturer MyPillow, Inc.
“God bless the President for giving us this opportunity to defend the first amendment rights of the 75 million American patriots who voted legally in last year’s stolen election,” said MyPillow CEO and rabid Trump supporter Mike Lindell. “Our patented social network will have everything you need for a peaceful night’s sleep after getting a million likes for taking a shit in Nancy Pelosi’s driveway. Your satisfaction is also backed by our lifetime warranty, which is more than I can say for RINO Mike Pence’s commitment to upholding the Constitution.”
Trump’s executive order is expected to garner unanimous support from his Republican allies in congress.
“Americans deserve to hear directly from their legitimate President without the threat of a violent woke mob figuratively storming their sacred hall of free speech and metaphorically beating them unconscious with a fire extinguisher,” said Florida congressman and Trump loyalist Matt Gaetz. “The MyPillow platform will be a lasting monument to the confederacy of Trump social media followers who bravely renounced big tech and stood up for their God-given right to own libs, and other types of users potentially.”
Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey, whose platform permanently banned Donald Trump in response to his continued incitement following the capitol siege, shared his thoughts on the MyPillow contract.
“We absolutely view MyPillow launching a competing service as an existential threat,” Dorsey acknowledged. “In the event that Donald Trump’s supporters leave Twitter, we intend to pivot to an entertainment news and events platform for fans of Madonna and Robert De Niro, and maybe half of the people who follow Chris Pratt. Think MySpace after Facebook, but definitely before Facebook.”
Our sources confirmed that Microsoft and Amazon also submitted bids for the massive contract, but were ultimately unable to match MyPillow’s attractive BOGO offer.