Press "Enter" to skip to content

New Day Trader Shorts Strongest Stock On First Day To Establish Dominance

DUBLIN, Ga. — As soon as Robinhood finished downloading, day trader Mark Benchley immediately shorted whatever stock had the highest rating in the market to establish dominance over all other traders, various beta traders confirmed.

“You gotta show them who’s in charge early so they respect you,” he commented. “Analysts predicted like 1000% growth on Tesla, so shorting it let’s everyone else know not to mess with me — solidifies my position as the alpha.”

Several fellow traders were caught off guard by the effective tactic which garnered widespread awe.

“Tesla’s price target was in the 4-digit range with talk of splitting again, and this dude bet against it? What does he know that we don’t?!” wondered moderately successful day trader Jacob Hagler. “I’ve been afraid to touch it because it’s so volatile, but if this guy tells me make a move I’d probably listen… I think we’re all his ‘bitch’ now?”

Representative of the SEC Samantha Figue was made aware of the situation but declined to take any action.

“You know, when you’re running security in the market, you have to pick and choose your battles,” she stated. “Though it devolves into anarchy, the market is like it’s own eco-system. A natural leader will emerge and restore order without us getting involved. It’s often more dangerous for me to step in than to let things settle on their own. This place is not like what you see on TV, that’s for sure.”

Benchley was later arrested for securities fraud and upon arriving at actual prison, decided to reverse his previous tactic and become someone else’s beta on the first day until his dad could come bail him out.