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**OIL EXECS EXPLAIN TO CONGRESS THEY CAN’T LOWER GAS PRICES BECAUSE THE MARKET DETERMINES HOW CARTOONISHLY EVIL THEY GET TO BE

Top executives of several major oil companies testified to Congress Wednesday that skyrocketing gas prices are out of their hands because, they explained, it’s ultimately the market that decides how cartoonishly evil they get to be.

“We’d love to help mitigate the cost of gas, but our hands are tied,” said a visibly sullen ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods as he reluctantly twirled his mustache and joylessly held up a big sack of money with a dollar sign on it. “At the end of the day, we are beholden to external economic factors. And it just so happens that those external economic factors are making us crazy fucking rich. Muahaha!”