2020 has been a tough year for a lot of us. I know I’ve had my personal struggles as well, but we don’t need to talk about that right now or ever ideally.
The Coronavirus has been absolutely devastating. When I had first heard of it, I couldn’t help but think of the incredible business opportunity. So when I received a call from the president you could imagine my excitement. President Trump mentioned how he was a ‘big fan of the things we were doing over at Theranos, or whatever it’s called. Really inspiring stuff’ and that he wanted to put us in charge of creating a revolutionary COVID-19 test before his re-election.
Now I know that developing, manufacturing, and distributing millions of specialized tests across the country in less than a month may sound impossible, but it’s a challenge and a business loan I’m willing to take, plus deadlines have never been an issue before.
Our workers have been voluntarily working long hours to develop our Covid test. I’ve personally spent countless hours berating employees around the clock to boost morale.
I know what you’re thinking, aren’t you concerned about workers getting Covid themselves? It’s not on my conscience at all! Yes, employees have for some reason gotten sick, however our own tests have proven that they were all 100% unrelated to Covid. This is another innovative cost saving measure. Very rarely do the scientists become the test subjects. Working with a deadly disease like covid can be dangerous, but (as stated in their legally binding contracts) that’s a risk that the Theranos team is willing to take!
I can say, with my totally authentic deep voice and piercing stare, that I’m confident that we’ll have our tests out soon. Besides, when have we ever steered you wrong?