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Opinion: I’m Socially Liberal, but Fiscally a Gambling Addict

As a self-described intellectual who refuses to take a well-defined stance, I weighed both my parents’ arguments evenly throughout my childhood to form my political leanings. On one hand, my mother taught me to always accept others for who they are, and to fight for what’s right.

On the other, my dad would toss me into his ‘70 El Camino with no seatbelts, and speed me to the casino to learn how to piss away a paycheck with the best of ‘em. These experiences were equally formative. So now, I use these ideals to inform my investments.

For example, I only invest in companies with a Corporate Equality Index score higher than 90, but also a PE ratio well above 100. I must be certain no one is being discriminated against, while also ensuring I’m part of a massive bubble that will burst the second I buy even a fraction of a share. So just to be clear, I’m totally cool with the gays, just don’t hit on me while I’m panic-selling Tesla shares I panic-bought 6 seconds earlier.

There’s something uniquely electrifying about getting praise from strangers on social media for my woke, yet financially ruinous decisions, too. For a couple seconds I can violently suppress my white guilt when I support a minority-owned company on margin. I make a post, and my mentions get flooded with “YASSSS, king!” Then, when they go bankrupt the next day and send me into an abyss of debt, I get… aroused?

Shit, am I using the plight of minorities in America just so I can feel something? Wow, I’m really sorry everyone. As punishment, I’m gonna go buy a single share of Amazon and let it sit for 30 years like a fucking loser. Wish me luck.