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Opinion: Yeah Yeah, I Have 3+ Years of Trading Experience and Make A Million Dollars A Year, Now Let Me Fucking Gamble

Listen everyone, if Robinhood asks, tell them I’m a millionaire entrepreneur with years of experience entering spreads and the risk tolerance to eat a few losses.

In reality, I’m a 22-year-old man, banned from his local sportsbook, who heard on Reddit that options trading would give me the same rush. But for some reason, in what is supposed to be a free country, this app restricts me from voluntarily putting myself in financial peril unless I can afford to lose all the money I am investing.

This is America, just because I have no idea what an iron butterfly is doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have the opportunity to gamble my entire rent check on one. Vegas casinos won’t stop you from creating a five-leg parlay on a Korean baseball game, and I can’t even point to that country on a map. So what makes Robinhood think they’re too good to take my money for a weekly call on a pharmaceutical company with four employees? Besides, I’m due for a hit!

Here’s the bottom line, I was in a fraternity in college so I know what a theta is, and I spread grape jelly on my toast every morning. If Robinhood wants more than that to let me dump my grocery budget on inadvisable credit puts, then I’ll just have to do what I do best: gamble on them not finding out my investment experience is completely fictional. After all, no one in this country ever did anything great without lying through their teeth about their past, it’s the American way.