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Out-of-Shape Trader Sheds 25 lbs After Switching to Standing Coke Mirror

NEW YORK — Stock trader Todd Spencer has been working from home since the COVID-19 pandemic shuttered his offices in March. This sedentary lifestyle change resulted in Spencer gaining 25 pounds in the first eight months, which he was promptly able to shed by switching to a more ergonomic routine of banging rails at his new standing desk.

“I’d read a bunch of stuff online about how chronic sitting is like the worst thing you can do to your body, but I didn’t take any of it seriously until a month into quarantine, when I would wake up every afternoon totally exhausted and hyper-sensitive to light and sound,” Spencer explained in a rambling fifteen minute voicemail he left at 3:00 am. “Something had to give — I realized that sitting all day was definitely having a negative impact on my familiar sense of wellbeing and motherfucking invincibility.”

Roommate Jimmy Abrams recalled the dark days leading up to Spencer’s health-conscious revelation.

“I can’t tell you how many times I would find Todd hunched over at his desk completely unresponsive and come at him like ‘Dude! How much sitting did you do today? That shit is killing you!’ It got so bad that I considered moving out, but then I realized how hard it would be to find another solid connect in the middle of a pandemic,” said Abrams. “I’m just grateful that Todd finally realized the harm he was doing to himself and reached out for help on TaskRabbit to assemble that big-ass standing desk.”

Spencer reflected on his dramatic transformation just weeks after incorporating more physical activity into his $200-a-day cocaine habit.

“They say sitting is the new smoking, which makes sense because both are super addictive and usually a bad idea right after you’ve done a few lines. But now that I’m on my feet for 22 hours and dropping 2 pounds every day I can honestly say that I feel great — with the one exception of having completely lost my sense of smell, but that’s probably just the coronavirus getting its ass kicked by my totally jacked immune system.”