Data giant Palantir enjoyed a massive stock rise after their omnipotent database reported a large increase in thoughts about Palantir.
“We’re excited to confirm that brand awareness is great, and more people across the world have been thinking about Palantir,” said CEO Alex Karp, looking at the screen of their patented ThoughtExtractor. “We’d like to give a special shout out to Greg Darby from Ann Arbor who has thought about us three times today.”
“We’re sad to report Mr. Darby has also been thinking about tentacle porn, which is not the brand association we are looking for,” continued Karp. “So we urge customers, past, present, and future—we know who you are—to make sure to keep those thoughts clean. We’re listening.”
At press time, Palantir predicted that they will have more earnings leaps in 2023, 2025, 2029, and 2045 after the world recovers from that devastating asteroid.