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Patagonia Updates Finance-Bro Favorite Vests With Guillotine-Resistant Collars

VENTURA, CA — Citing a spike in anonymous requests from panicky customers in the finance and venture capital world, famed performance retailer Patagonia announced a new line of fleece and puffer vests with guillotine-resistant collars earlier today.

The outdoor apparel company intends to have them available in stores and online by the end of the month or “before the people finally realize who the true enemies of climate change action are and march them out of their mansions to summarily execute them in the streets, whichever comes first,” according to a press release.

The updated vests will feature collars made with layers of Fair Trade Certified™ Kevlar, Cordura, and Gore-Tex and inserts of sustainably produced sheets of polycarbonate for protection against high-impact edged weapons including broken bottles, knives, and broadswords.

The line will also be fully resistant to a French Revolution-era guillotine with a razor-sharp blade fastened to a mouton weighing as much as 75 pounds dropped from a height of up to 8 feet, according to the release.

The famously conservation-minded company made headlines earlier this month when it stitched the message “VOTE THE ASSHOLES OUT” on the tags of its men’s shorts.

“We are hoping our customers will follow the garment-care instructions on their shorts and show up at the polls to vote the assholes out,” founder and CEO Yvon Chouinard says in the release, referring to GOP politicians owned by petrochemical lobbyists and other forces of climate change denial. “However, if that fails, I don’t see how this won’t end in bloodshed. And we have a responsibility to our consumers to keep them safe from rebelling masses. Plus, we can’t afford to lose such a lucrative customer base.”

Lastly he added, “after beheading, the torso continues to pump out quarts and quarts of blood. Think how much gore would be running through our nation’s gutters and streets. Cleaning that up would waste a lot of water. Not something I need on my conscience.”