In an ironic twist of fate that has crashed the world gold market, famed gold promoter Peter Schiff is now turning everything into his favorite metal after having been cursed by an old gypsy.
Schiff’s predicament began while on vacation in the quaint town of Castle Rock, Maine. After accidentally striking and killing a dog with his car, he was confronted by the dog’s owner, an elderly Romani woman. According to Schiff, the woman grabbed his wrist and uttered the word “gold” in a menacing tone before walking away.
It was after this encounter, claims Schiff, that his troubles began. “I started to grab my phone to call the police to file a report and all of a sudden I noticed a massive weight in my pocket. You guessed it, my phone had turned into a gold brick.” Schiff was able to drive away, but not before he had turned his car’s door, steering wheel, and keys into gold as well.
“I’m not going to lie, at first I was pretty stoked about being able to turn things into gold, like that cop who pulled me over for not using my turn signal. But it got old fast. Have you ever tried to sleep on a bed and a pillow made out of gold?”
Since news of Schiff’s newfound ability has leaked out, the price of gold has plummeted by 83% as vast new quantities of the precious metal have become available. Several mining companies have thrown in the towel and declared bankruptcy.
“At this time, I am sad to report I cannot recommend the purchase of gold,” said Schiff. “Whatever you do, I urge you not to buy gold for your portfolio.”