Press "Enter" to skip to content

Peter Thiel Shares His Relatable Tips For Retirement Saving Across 37 Normal Human Lifetimes

Venture capitalist and surveillance state architect Peter Thiel recently made headlines for spinning his $2,000 Roth IRA account into a $5 billion Scrooge McDuck-scale money pool. 

As a relatable, down-to-earth man of the people, Peter Thiel recently sat down with Hard Money to get candid about his own personal retirement savings tips. So without further ado, here are Mr. Thiel’s Top Ten retirement savings tips, tips that will definitely be applicable to the everyday layman!

Don’t Bitch At The Table For More Scraps

“Yes, the average CEO-to-worker pay ratio is 320-to-1, but so fucking what? Take your federal minimum wage slop like a good little piggy, and maybe you’ll have a 5 billion nest egg like me in a few millennia time.”

Adopt The Sigma Male Grindset

“Speak softly, but carry a big military-industrial apparatus. Cross your fingers and hope people don’t Google your controversies. Surveil your enemies with a watchful eye, and close yours blissfully knowing that you can send them to gruesome annihilation on a whim.”

Cut The Coffee And Avocado Toast, Millennials

“I might be backing some big psychedelic ventures, but I prefer not to imbibe my body with impure substances myself. Who needs chemical stimulants when you can experience the natural, arousing adrenal rush of mercilessly bludgeoning a homeless man in broad daylight?”

Sue A Tabloid Newspaper Into Oblivion Out Of Spite

“Not everyone is lucky or privileged enough to encounter the good fortune of defending a washed-up pro wrestler from sexual blackmail, but if you do, um, good, I guess?”

Bankroll Both Sides Of The Drug War

“Unfortunately, when you finance the mass surveillance, over-policing, and incarceration of nonviolent poor peoples, you tend to garner a not-so-favorable reputation. That’s why it’s lucrative to put a few hundred mil in pocket change toward some magic mushie startups! Gotta avert the eyes a bit!”

Executive Produce A Forgettable 2005 Jason Reitman Comedy 

“I might’ve produced Thank You For Smoking, and my name’s right there on the credits, but I don’t even remember half of the goddamn thing.”

Rise, Grind, Hustle, And Win Lots Of Bets

“I don’t believe in the compatibility of democracy, freedom, competition, or people who don’t look like me. But if there’s one thing I do believe in, it’s shits and gigs with the boys, and sometimes those gigs happen to involve a little gambling. You’d be astonished at the number of prop bets you can make on a masked Eyes Wide Shut gala.”

Don’t Evade Taxes And Die In A Spanish Prison For It

“It’s really sad what happened to John. He seemed like he would’ve really been a killer neighbor and friend, and I wish I got to know him more in life. But alas, I guess a life without the freedom to eat shit in a hammock is a life no longer worth living.”

Trust The Process (And Don’t Question It)

“We live in one of the fairest, freest, and soundest economic systems in human history, second only to apartheid in my humble opinion. If you’re derisive of folks like me, the people who ethically lifted their bootstraps to accrue billions more dollars than they could ever possibly need or spend in the average lifetime, don’t be!”

Invest Billions In Disposable Startup Capital Toward Life Extension Biotechnology, Inject The Blood Of The Youth

“When the oxygen is drained from the oceans and the world increasingly decelerates into an arid, charred, deserted hellscape, the last place you’ll want to be is on the ground floor, as the young clamor for the blood of the older generations that tossed them for the wolves. That’s why it’d be wise to put at least $3 of your federal $7.25 an hour toward saving on a cryogenic stasis pod, climate super bunker, and Samsung SGR-A1 sentry gun while you’re at it.”