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Pfizer, Other Vax Stocks Plummet After Word Of Nicki Minaj’s Cousin’s Friend’s Balls Gets Out

For the most part, Pfizer ($PFE), Moderna ($MRNA), and multiple other pharmaceutical stocks have enjoyed a fairly steady climb throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, with even the most fervent hesitancy & misinformation doing little to shake share values.

Granted, that was the case for the past 18 months, until last night, when rapper Nicki Minaj decided to disclose her cousin’s friend’s most vulnerable, humiliating health issues to her 22.6 million Twitter followers.

“My cousin in Trinidad won’t get the vaccine cuz his friend got it and became impotent.” the singer-songwriter tweeted, “His testicles became swollen. His friend was weeks away from getting married, now the girl called off the wedding…”

In a surprising twist of fate, it seems that Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s swole balls might finally be the thing to burst the vaccine stock bubble. So far, the morning’s opening bell has seen a precipitous plummet in vaccine and pharmaceutical shares, with lines incalculably going down, and down, and trending even further downward from there.

A formal petition signed by multiple retail investors and pharmaceutical executives has called upon the SEC to hold Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s fat nuts accountable for market manipulation, but to little avail. While Minaj has drawn her fair share of rightful ire for prioritizing her cousin’s friend’s balls over well-established science corroborated by thousands of people, she’s also won a surprising number of people over.

“You know, I used to be hardline anti-anti-vax, but Nicki & her cousin’s friend’s swollen balls might be onto something… #JustAskingQuestions,” tweeted @Off#1BarbStanAcct

“I’m not normally no fan of the hip hops, but Miss Minaj bravely spoke truth against the MSM about her cousin’s testes yesterday,” vlogged 27-follower Facebook influencer Patriot Paxton from his used 2008 GMC Sierra, “Might’ve puked out my stomach lining, but least I ain’t got none of them Globalist Bill Gates Giganto Gonads!”

“Um, how swollen?” Inquired a nonplussed President Biden at the latest White House presser. “We talking grapefruit swole, or swole like that one South Park episode?”

“Let the line go as low it wants,” opined Dale Phuck, a rogue former Pfizer employee, “Let every portfolio with PFE wither away to complete and utter worthlessness for all I give a damn. There’s no way I’m letting ‘science’ call off my honeymoon, nor my testicular health.”

We reached out to Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend in Trinidad, and here’s what he had to say about the evolving, ongoing, and rapidly swelling situation.

“Look, I’m flattered that my balls swole into a big enough meme to tank every major pharma stock in The States. Even so, you probably shouldn’t be taking medical advice from random celebrities who are married to convicted sex offenders. Speaking of marriage, honey, if you’re reading this, I still love you. Your stomping stilettos really did a number on me, but it’ll heal in due time, and so can our love.”