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Pope Issues Formal Apology For Not Investing Vatican’s Money Into Bitcoin

Pope Francis took to the window of his studio overlooking St. Peter’s Square Sunday morning, facing an eager group of onlookers. His weekly prayer was to be followed by a much anticipated public announcement, rumoured to address recent tragedies in the news. For the Catholic Church, a group that has been criticized for not taking responsibility for its failings, Francis’ words had the potential to be historic.

“It is with a heavy heart that I stand here before you,” Francis began, to a crowd that included Chiefs from Canadian First Nations Tribes. “Recent news of our church’s blind spots fill me with sorrow. The Vatican, and our bishops around the world cannot hide from our mistakes, and it’s time we come to terms with the results of our actions, and apologize for not investing in Bitcoin.”

Francis adjusted his gold microphone, and continued. “People tried to warn us, but we didn’t listen. The Church has always stood for making as much money as possible, and not buying more tokens was an oversight that will take years to make up for. I am truly sorry.”

The Pope started to turn from the window, but then reversed his course. “Oh lord, I almost forgot,” Francis exclaimed, as the crowd, which included representatives for SNAP (Survivors Network of Those Abused by Priests), listened intently. “How could I forget to mention the other mistakes that have come to light recently? I must also extend my condolences to anyone who expected us to be bulls when it came to AMC or Gamestop. You’d think we’d at least be smart enough to jump on one of those, especially since we can communicate with God.”

Vatican security was quick to usher the screaming crowd from the premises.