WASHINGTON — “I feel so used.”
Those were the words of Fed Chairman Jerome Powell yesterday as he announced to a shocked America that he had been swindled out of $1.4 trillion by a smooth-talking con artist he met on Tinder.
It’s a story that’s been repeated countless times across the country. The mysterious stranger, known to Powell only as “Keith”, was able to cheat Powell out of the cash by heartlessly preying on the emotions of a lonely old financial titan. “He was so mysterious, yet so relatable,” explained Powell. “He played guitar in a band, but he also claimed he was a Fed Chairman, so it was really nice having somebody who understood me.”
“It sounds crazy now, but Keith was my everything. It was all over text or email, but it felt so real to me.”
The requests for money started small. “Initially, he just said that he lost his wallet and he needed a few hundred dollars to pay the power bill,” said Powell. “Then I sent him money for a plane ticket because he said he wanted to fly out and see me, and before you know it, boom! I was wiring him billions and billions from the Treasury account.”
Powell is scrambling to survive in the aftermath. “I gave him everything,” said the Chairman. “My emergency fund, my investments, the FIMA Repo Facility—everything.” Unable to afford his rent, Powell is temporarily crashing at Treasury Secretary Janey Yellen’s home until he can get back on his feet. He also picked up a second job at his neighborhood bowling alley to help boost his finances and pay back the United States government.
Despite the setback, the Chairman remains optimistic. “J-Pow may be down, but he’s never out,” proclaimed Powell. “And you can take that to the bank!”