Markets are slightly up today after President Trump tweeted a gruesome photo showing what appeared to be his own severed finger offered up as tribute, sources confirm.
Along with the bloody picture, the president included the caption “With this beautiful sacrifice our great market shall flourish for 1,000 years!”
It was unclear at time of publication what religious or theological reasoning the president used as a basis for his fleshly offering to market gods. However what was clear is that it was very effective and could be used again going forward.
“When the markets are angry, human sacrifice has long been one of our only tools,” market historian Robert Thuckins said. “When people say the fed is “out of ammo” they have no idea what is going on behind closed doors. Enron chewed through interns like it was nothing.”
“Just a finger isn’t going to do the trick though — markets were expecting at least an ear or maybe even an eye.”
A follow-up tweet from the president said, “Biden has 10 fingers might start calling him Mr. Fingers instead of Sleepy Joe. I got 9 more where this came from Joe.VOTE TRUMP!”